Thank you for sharing your (his)story, Angela. This perspective is probably a big part of why your newsletters appeal to me. We share a conviction regarding what it means to follow God -- and ignore the voices of tradition or opinion or control. God bless you as you continue to follow where He leads. Cheering you on!
My earliest recollection of wanting to write began when I was 8. My mom was always someone who loved the library and brought my sister and I there all the time. But for me, I was bored to death because the books in my age range sucked. I was hooked on the stuff my dad watched (scifi and fantasy). He was also into Nintendo at the time with Castlevania, Metroid, Final Fantasy, Zelda, etc. My first intro to scifi was the movie Aliens when I was around 9 and mom had a fit. I was glued to the screen in awe plus we can't forget Star Trek and Star Wars, etc. So I had a major helping of fantasy and scifi. But I also wanted to read but had nothing of the like, just my imagination. It was my escape as I spent most of my childhood outside in the nearby forest trails. Sure do miss those days since I live in the city! :-(
In my teen years, world building and living in created worlds was my escape and salvation from suicide (that's a whole book in itself God has used me 3 times now to tell my story and watched in awe as He did something through my talk). I've attempted to write a book on it but never got very far. Writing, especially in the area of fantasy, but also in general, was a means God put in me as an outlet. I never shared any of these things with anyone growing up. People were....critical, at times looking down on me for how I didn't fit in with the church crowd. My view of the world at the time was extremely jaded and very few people took the time to get to know me. It resonated with me and was a tipping point where I wanted walk away from God which I did. Church people were the reason. I hid in my stories, escaping a very bitter and crushed heart. I didn't belong anywhere I believed. My dad's actions at home made that crystal clear and I lived in a state of fear for years.
I hated church, hated all the laws and things that went with church. My writing most definitely didn't fit the "good son" idea and embarrassed my parents all the time. I remember one youth group event where we were bused to another church to hear this evangelist talk as he gave his testimony and it was the first time I could identify with another person. Being in church felt like being in prison with fake people who always loved to tell you how to live and what not to do. And I remember thinking, boy, this sounds nothing like what's in the Bible....
You mentioned how you were thrown that "if you had more faith..." That is one of the things that triggers me the most and I get very angry over people who say that crap. My wife sounds like your mom. She's had chronic pain and sickness for over 14 years. We've been married for almost 19. And I remember when this came on, people all around us said this to her and she was so hurt and crushed, doubted her own salvation because of these people. She loves God and talks with Him everyday like He's in the room with her. I don't think there's a person who has more conversations with Him than her. But she has little faith? She's asked for it over and over and the answer has always been no. Right now, she's in bed with severe pain up and down her spine, her muscles, legs and arms. Some days are better, some days worse. It's a day to day thing and she uses a walker in her early 50s. She has a mind of a 20 yr old but the body of an 80 yr old. She hates it, cries over it. And I can do very little about it. To hear anyone say she needs more faith, I want to slap them in the face!
This judgmental attitude in church is why both our daughters walked away from God when they were raised in church. They now want nothing to do with Him because they hate Christians. They see us as the biggest fakers in the world who disgust them.
This whole theme of judgmental Christians is what stifled my creativity, my want to even share what I wrote. Even today, I feel anxious on Substack. I know how churchy people act and can't stand it. I know how my own mom acts. Writing in the style I actually want to has always been something I held back from because of other Christians and their condemning voices. When I was 18, one year after I was saved, I began writing some poems to try and understand what it was I went through because it's not your typical "salvation" story. It's dark, twisted, a real torture of the mind. And I wrote about it in the style of a child on an altar. I remember thinking when it was finished, "I'm NEVER going to share this with anyone. They'll get the wrong impression." It scared me to share these things because of the critical pew talkers.
It took me a very long time, and I'm still not there fully yet, to simply drop the walls and the hindering nagging "don't write that!" in my head. It's helped a lot now that I have some years of studying some biblical scholarly material. THAT alone has made me, rather demanded, that I ask myself a very hard question. Do I allow church tradition to dictate my life and how I live or am I willing to let the Bible itself do that work? Because now I know tradition, especially the modern english tradition, isn't what it's cracked up to be. And I've had this question challenge me hard. I think it was God who put it there too to see how bold and willing I was to simply let Him speak and convict. It's been some of the best years for me in a spiritual sense as I've grown closer to God. In the end, this reflects on how I write.
The one regret I have is it took this long for me to share my own life story because of this very same reason, fear of how the church would respond to my own personal testimony. I know for a fact God told me at 18 He wanted me to share myself with people and I told Him flat out NO. I knew what was done to my mother for sharing and it caused her to live in fear for 15 years. I know, leaving out a lot here but that's an issue I have with churches, at least here. So to share my own story felt like I was going to cause chaos if i did. Now... well, I had 3 different pastors of different denominations tell me they loved my story, one asking if they could share it with their congregation.
Story wise, I'm not as afraid to write the things I want to. Fantasy is the imagination gone wild and that's what I love to explore. Churchy people get bothered that we're not in a box, all looking the same. But one look at the Bible and you realize, especially if you know a little bit of the worldview, the backstory, the culture... and you'll be blown away what God had the authors put in those pages. It is absolutely wild. And sometimes, the english translation deliberately covers up the original text like below.
A biblical scholar's rough translation from original text in Hebrew is below each section of verses. This was deliberately mistranslated. And you can see why.
Isaiah 13:20-22
It will never be inhabited or lived in for all generations; no Arab will pitch his tent there; no shepherds will make their flocks lie down there. But wild animals will lie down there, and their houses will be full of howling creatures; there ostriches will dwell, and there wild goats will dance. Hyenas will cry in its towers, and jackals in the pleasant palaces; its time is close at hand and its days will not be prolonged.
Original Text:
"Babylon will never be inhabited or lived in from generation to generation. Nor will the Arab pitch his tent there nor shepherds make their flocks lay down there. But phantoms will crouch down there and the houses will be filled with howling. Monsters will live there and Satyrs will dance there. Lycans will howl in fortified towers and dragons in their pleasant palaces..."
---
Isaiah 34:13-14
Thorns shall grow over its strongholds, nettles and thistles in its fortresses. It shall be the haunt of jackals, an abode for ostriches. And wild animals shall meet with hyenas; the wild goat shall cry to his fellow; indeed, there the night bird settles and finds for herself a resting place.
Original Text:
"Hawks and owls will possess Edom. Great owls and ravens will flow there. It will be the home of dragons, an abode of monsters. Phantoms shall meet centaurs, Satyrs will greet each other. There, the Lilith shall relax and find herself a resting place. The tree snake shall rest and lay eggs..."
Yeah.....that was deliberately covered up in English.
I find in the end, those who write gritty and real life is so much better at being relatable than what churchy people demand and it shows.
Art in any form is better when it's authentic. Take for example the very popular Christian rap artist, NF. He is unique in that he draws an audience from those who never listen to rap but will listen to him. He's authentic, will never swear but his lyrics are in your face deep and personal. He calls it his own therapy session. The audience simply gets to listen in. This is why I LOVE him. He's not afraid to make you uncomfortable with how deeply personal and gut wrenching his words are.
I wish all Christian artists took a note from NF and did the same in writing.
Thank you for sharing your (his)story, Angela. This perspective is probably a big part of why your newsletters appeal to me. We share a conviction regarding what it means to follow God -- and ignore the voices of tradition or opinion or control. God bless you as you continue to follow where He leads. Cheering you on!
I'm so proud of you <3
My earliest recollection of wanting to write began when I was 8. My mom was always someone who loved the library and brought my sister and I there all the time. But for me, I was bored to death because the books in my age range sucked. I was hooked on the stuff my dad watched (scifi and fantasy). He was also into Nintendo at the time with Castlevania, Metroid, Final Fantasy, Zelda, etc. My first intro to scifi was the movie Aliens when I was around 9 and mom had a fit. I was glued to the screen in awe plus we can't forget Star Trek and Star Wars, etc. So I had a major helping of fantasy and scifi. But I also wanted to read but had nothing of the like, just my imagination. It was my escape as I spent most of my childhood outside in the nearby forest trails. Sure do miss those days since I live in the city! :-(
In my teen years, world building and living in created worlds was my escape and salvation from suicide (that's a whole book in itself God has used me 3 times now to tell my story and watched in awe as He did something through my talk). I've attempted to write a book on it but never got very far. Writing, especially in the area of fantasy, but also in general, was a means God put in me as an outlet. I never shared any of these things with anyone growing up. People were....critical, at times looking down on me for how I didn't fit in with the church crowd. My view of the world at the time was extremely jaded and very few people took the time to get to know me. It resonated with me and was a tipping point where I wanted walk away from God which I did. Church people were the reason. I hid in my stories, escaping a very bitter and crushed heart. I didn't belong anywhere I believed. My dad's actions at home made that crystal clear and I lived in a state of fear for years.
I hated church, hated all the laws and things that went with church. My writing most definitely didn't fit the "good son" idea and embarrassed my parents all the time. I remember one youth group event where we were bused to another church to hear this evangelist talk as he gave his testimony and it was the first time I could identify with another person. Being in church felt like being in prison with fake people who always loved to tell you how to live and what not to do. And I remember thinking, boy, this sounds nothing like what's in the Bible....
You mentioned how you were thrown that "if you had more faith..." That is one of the things that triggers me the most and I get very angry over people who say that crap. My wife sounds like your mom. She's had chronic pain and sickness for over 14 years. We've been married for almost 19. And I remember when this came on, people all around us said this to her and she was so hurt and crushed, doubted her own salvation because of these people. She loves God and talks with Him everyday like He's in the room with her. I don't think there's a person who has more conversations with Him than her. But she has little faith? She's asked for it over and over and the answer has always been no. Right now, she's in bed with severe pain up and down her spine, her muscles, legs and arms. Some days are better, some days worse. It's a day to day thing and she uses a walker in her early 50s. She has a mind of a 20 yr old but the body of an 80 yr old. She hates it, cries over it. And I can do very little about it. To hear anyone say she needs more faith, I want to slap them in the face!
This judgmental attitude in church is why both our daughters walked away from God when they were raised in church. They now want nothing to do with Him because they hate Christians. They see us as the biggest fakers in the world who disgust them.
This whole theme of judgmental Christians is what stifled my creativity, my want to even share what I wrote. Even today, I feel anxious on Substack. I know how churchy people act and can't stand it. I know how my own mom acts. Writing in the style I actually want to has always been something I held back from because of other Christians and their condemning voices. When I was 18, one year after I was saved, I began writing some poems to try and understand what it was I went through because it's not your typical "salvation" story. It's dark, twisted, a real torture of the mind. And I wrote about it in the style of a child on an altar. I remember thinking when it was finished, "I'm NEVER going to share this with anyone. They'll get the wrong impression." It scared me to share these things because of the critical pew talkers.
It took me a very long time, and I'm still not there fully yet, to simply drop the walls and the hindering nagging "don't write that!" in my head. It's helped a lot now that I have some years of studying some biblical scholarly material. THAT alone has made me, rather demanded, that I ask myself a very hard question. Do I allow church tradition to dictate my life and how I live or am I willing to let the Bible itself do that work? Because now I know tradition, especially the modern english tradition, isn't what it's cracked up to be. And I've had this question challenge me hard. I think it was God who put it there too to see how bold and willing I was to simply let Him speak and convict. It's been some of the best years for me in a spiritual sense as I've grown closer to God. In the end, this reflects on how I write.
The one regret I have is it took this long for me to share my own life story because of this very same reason, fear of how the church would respond to my own personal testimony. I know for a fact God told me at 18 He wanted me to share myself with people and I told Him flat out NO. I knew what was done to my mother for sharing and it caused her to live in fear for 15 years. I know, leaving out a lot here but that's an issue I have with churches, at least here. So to share my own story felt like I was going to cause chaos if i did. Now... well, I had 3 different pastors of different denominations tell me they loved my story, one asking if they could share it with their congregation.
Story wise, I'm not as afraid to write the things I want to. Fantasy is the imagination gone wild and that's what I love to explore. Churchy people get bothered that we're not in a box, all looking the same. But one look at the Bible and you realize, especially if you know a little bit of the worldview, the backstory, the culture... and you'll be blown away what God had the authors put in those pages. It is absolutely wild. And sometimes, the english translation deliberately covers up the original text like below.
A biblical scholar's rough translation from original text in Hebrew is below each section of verses. This was deliberately mistranslated. And you can see why.
Isaiah 13:20-22
It will never be inhabited or lived in for all generations; no Arab will pitch his tent there; no shepherds will make their flocks lie down there. But wild animals will lie down there, and their houses will be full of howling creatures; there ostriches will dwell, and there wild goats will dance. Hyenas will cry in its towers, and jackals in the pleasant palaces; its time is close at hand and its days will not be prolonged.
Original Text:
"Babylon will never be inhabited or lived in from generation to generation. Nor will the Arab pitch his tent there nor shepherds make their flocks lay down there. But phantoms will crouch down there and the houses will be filled with howling. Monsters will live there and Satyrs will dance there. Lycans will howl in fortified towers and dragons in their pleasant palaces..."
---
Isaiah 34:13-14
Thorns shall grow over its strongholds, nettles and thistles in its fortresses. It shall be the haunt of jackals, an abode for ostriches. And wild animals shall meet with hyenas; the wild goat shall cry to his fellow; indeed, there the night bird settles and finds for herself a resting place.
Original Text:
"Hawks and owls will possess Edom. Great owls and ravens will flow there. It will be the home of dragons, an abode of monsters. Phantoms shall meet centaurs, Satyrs will greet each other. There, the Lilith shall relax and find herself a resting place. The tree snake shall rest and lay eggs..."
Yeah.....that was deliberately covered up in English.
I find in the end, those who write gritty and real life is so much better at being relatable than what churchy people demand and it shows.
Art in any form is better when it's authentic. Take for example the very popular Christian rap artist, NF. He is unique in that he draws an audience from those who never listen to rap but will listen to him. He's authentic, will never swear but his lyrics are in your face deep and personal. He calls it his own therapy session. The audience simply gets to listen in. This is why I LOVE him. He's not afraid to make you uncomfortable with how deeply personal and gut wrenching his words are.
I wish all Christian artists took a note from NF and did the same in writing.